It’s okay to keep our problem if …

Friend: “So I have this problem.”

Us: “Oh man, that’s really awful. Let’s fix this problem.”

Friend: “Uh … yeah … okay … but …”

Us: “First, we will …”

Friend: “Nope. That won’t work.”

Us: “But I haven’t even told you my idea yet.”

Friend: “I am sure it won’t work. I’ve tried everything.”

<Pause. Deep breath. Roll eyes.>

Us: “Then what about …”

Friend: “I am sure I already considered that angle.”

Us: “Wait a minute! I haven’t suggested anything yet.”

Friend: “You don’t understand. It is so complicated because of my past. I can’t change anything.”

Us: “Well, at least you could …”

Friend: “You don’t know how deep this goes. I can’t change.”

Us: “Okay, then. At least let me …”

Friend: “It’s not my fault and it’s out of my control.”

People with problems don’t want to change. We see this everywhere. Sad.

Oh, wait! We are people too!

Maybe we have the same hidden programs that keep us from fixing problems in our lives.

So why do we insist on keeping our problems?

Ah, because … oh my! So many reasons. Let’s start with the obvious reasons that hold us back.

#1. Identity

What if our problem is part of our identity? Removing the problems will feel like chopping off a piece of our soul. We have included the problem in our description of who we are.

Look at these two statements. See the difference?

#1. “I am a diabetic.”

#2. “I am a person who has diabetes.”

In statement #1, suffering from diabetes is an important part of this person’s identity. It’s not just a condition they have. It’s who they are.

In statement #2, the problem is externalized. The diabetes is a condition the person deals with, not who they are. If the problem is separate from us, we can work on it without threatening or destroying our sense of self.

More examples of making the problem part of who we are?

“I am a bad money manager.”

“I am poor.”

“I am fat.”

“I am a knucklehead.”

If our problem has merged with our identity, our first step will be to separate our problem from our identity. We have to rephrase who we are.

For the above examples, we could describe ourselves in this way:

“I am learning to be a better money manager.”

“I don’t have any money at the moment.”

“I am working on reshaping my body.”

“I am making better decisions as I grow older.”

These phrases help us keep a better personal identity while we work on fixing our problems.

#2. Easy

If it is easier for us to keep our problem, why should we change? Nobody wants extra effort in their lives. Change requires willpower and hard work. Ugh!

So, if we want to eliminate our problem, what should we do?

Add friction.

Make it harder to keep our problem.

Oh.

An example?

Ordering fast food home delivery is destroying our bank account. Why cook when tasty, unhealthy food is only a phone call away?

Let’s add some friction.

First, we will delete our fast food home delivery app. Now we have to get dressed, go outside, and order our food in person. That is a major inconvenience.

Second, we cancel our credit card. No more phone or online ordering. If we pick up our food in person, we have to pay cash.

We have a program in our minds that tells us, “Avoid
discomfort!”

Our counter strategy should be, “Make our problem harder to keep.”

#3. Comfort Zone

We love our comfort zone. It is warm, familiar, and safe. It may not be perfect, but why risk leaving our comfort zone where things could get worse?

Our motivation? To avoid catastrophe, even if we are not happy where we are.

An example?

We hate our job. Our dream-sucking, vampire boss destroys little bits of our brain every day, turning us into human zombies. Ugh!

Our friends recommend we update our resumes and look for another job. But, we don’t.

We keep this problem situation as changing our job feels dangerous. We think:

“What if I don’t find anything better?”

“At least I know what to expect here.”

“I’ll just suffer and hope something good happens.”

Then how can we change our mindset about our situation?

Ask ourselves,

“What’s the worst thing that could happen if I step outside my current comfort zone?”

“What’s the best thing that could happen if I step outside my comfort zone?”

If we feel we can survive the “worst that can happen”, then the “best that can happen” feels exciting.

It is easier to leave our comfort zone when our destination is someplace that feels even better.

#4. Fear of Success

What if solving our problem creates new challenges?

Examples?

“If I take the promotion, I will be judged and hated by my coworkers.”

“If I lose weight, people might expect me to keep it off. I can never have potato chips again!”

“If I take that new job, I will have to wake up an hour earlier for a longer commute.”

“If I become famous, everyone will scrutinize my life. My most embarrassing moments will come out.”

Success often brings new responsibilities, and that can feel overwhelming. Keeping our problem feels better.

#5. Love Being the Victim

Our parents trained us. They gave us extra love and sympathy when we were victims.

Now we have a mind program that says, “People love me more when they feel sorry for me.”

And don’t we want people to love us? Of course.

So it is natural to play the victim when we have problems. What does this sound like?

“I can’t manage money. My parents never taught me.”

“I had a tough childhood, so that is why relationships are hard for me.”

“I have ADHD, so I can’t study for long periods of time.”

“My anxiety holds me back. That is why I can’t build
relationships.”

“I’m too old to learn new things.”

So as victims, we have no choice. We have to keep our problems and suffer.

#6: Make Our Problems Visible

Sometimes, we tolerate problems because they’re out of sight, out of mind.

Credit card debt lives on a hidden statement. We only have to open the collection notices once a month.

Clutter hides behind closet doors. We won’t see it if we never open the doors.

Poor health lives in unspoken lab results. We feel okay today.

Bring our problems into the spotlight. Let’s see our irritation. Face it head-on. For instance, we could do this:

Credit card debt? Write the total we owe in big numbers and put it on our mirror.

Clutter? Dump everything out of the closet and onto the floor where we can’t ignore it. Stepping over our clutter is a pain.

Poor health? Track our meals or exercise in a journal. Feel the cringe as we write our excesses and omissions.

When our problems feel impossible to ignore, we will feel more urgency to act.

 Remember, when we ignore a solution, we’re choosing to keep the problem.

Keep our problems?

The cost of change?

Let’s ask ourselves, “What is going to be more painful? To make this change? Or to keep my present problem?”

Keeping our problems feels easier in the short term. But in the long term, it keeps us stuck, unhappy, and miserable.

Let’s try to change this with baby steps. We don’t have to have a complete transformation overnight.

Change isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. One baby step at a time.

Let’s think of overcoming our problems as a journey, something we can gradually do over time.

A mantra for this?

“I’ll do my best today.”