1. From Mark Davis: “A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.”

2. From Sam Pitts: “A new study shows that you can now drink all the beer, wine, and even whiskey that you want, and it won’t cause you to get fat. The study suggests that drinking all you want will in fact cause you not to be fat, but lean. You will lean on the chair, the table, the bar, the car and even the commode.”